Jackie

2 years ago I was diagnosed with brain cancer. I woke up Monday morning getting ready for work and later that morning I work up again in the hospital - being told I had had 3 seizures. And then someone unfortunately had to tell a 24 year old there was a large tumor in her brain that needed to be removed immediately.

 

That week I had open brain surgery. 2 weeks later I was diagnosed with grade 3 brain cancer. A few days after, I started fertility preservation, and the day that finished I started chemo and radiation. The chemo ended one year after that.

 

After surgery, I lost all ability to read. I couldn’t recognize letters or their purpose. Weird thing was I could still write. But once I wrote something I couldn’t read it back. I also lost categories of words in my speech. I could have fairly good conversations but if you put a fruit bowl in front of me I couldn’t name them. I was told my brain connectors were broken and they might reconnect overtime. Might?

 

Emotionally I was a mess and sometimes still am, but I am learning to cope. I blame it on the growing, endless, list of no’s and unknowns - which obviously lead to many hours thinking and asking what if’s and why nots?

 

It started with, will I be able to read again? Will I be able to have children? Why me? After my diagnosis the questions got darker and deeper routed. And they all circle around life expectancy.

 

Then there are the many no’s and cautions - No more running or biking. But my base run is 10k and biking is my mode of transportation? No more driving. But I don’t even have a license yet? Travel close to hospitals. You’re reading is close to the lowest percentile. It’s too much to write exams right now. The tumor affected your fertility, chemo will further affect it. You will loose your hair. You will experience memory loss overtime.

 

I was heart broken, angry, frustrated, and sad. But then all that boosted my stubbornness. Very quickly I took those no’s as challenges.

 

I rode my bike to my speech pathologist classes.  I signed up for two CPA elective exams hoping to force myself to learn to read again. When radiation finished and the 12 month chemo session was to start, my boyfriend, our new puppy, and I, drove across eastern Canada. I mean technically we were always near a hospital?

 

My hair fell out in clumps and only on one side so I bleached it and dyed it purple. And it grew back completely curly against my straight hair. I keep it free as my victory poof.

 

I passed the courses, and one of the exams, passing the second in the next round. I remember coordinating my chemo schedule with my exam dates, and my course dates with my speech pathologist dates. Oh yah and within that I had shingles. Being able to be eligible to write the exam was enough of an achievement but it also heightened my urge to prove cancer wrong even more.

 

Then my love proposed to me. Suddenly I had a new love inspired distraction. Wedding planning! Practicing my speech skills on photographers, caterers, rental companies.

 

The week before the wedding I wrote the CFE, final CPA exam. I had completed my chemo the month before, two months early because my body started reacting to the chemo via hives.

 

Our wedding was beautiful and emotional, surrounded by friends and family.

 

After, I gradually returned to work. Work was the final rehab I needed to recover my speech.

 

Then at the beginning of this year I was given the okay for Derin and I to try to have children. Again the no’s started. Chemo had significantly reduced my egg count. And this felt like a more impossible challenge. And the news of my potential infertility weighed me down, I always wanted a child. One week before our slew of fertility treatment appointments, the pregnancy test came out positive.

 

What better way to celebrate then go on our Hawaii honeymoon - where we hiked the volcano and surfed our standup paddle boards.

 

I’m now 8 months pregnant.  Our natural baby has been described as a ‘boring healthy baby’. I’m rewriting the final CFE exam portion I didn’t pass last year - and so far my brain has been stable.

 

My oncologist gave me advice that at first I thought was insensitive: live your life as you normally would.

 

But now I get it, and that’s what I’ve been doing. Aside from trying to prove the no’s from cancer wrong, love and strength has also proven cancer wrong. I now put more weight on specific values. The value of memories. The value of family and friendship. The value of good days. I've learned to ignore stress that is trivial and short term. I have learned to stop myself from imploding anxiety. And I have learned the strength and love of my family and friends. Without them I could not have said any of this after 2 years. With them, I have learned to push past the no’s, doubt, and statistics, and foresee future potentials and revel in positive life experiences and achievements. They help me to Prove It Wrong.